What I Learned: 4 Jan - 10 Jan

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 In an attempt to build habits this year, I'm going to start the month of with a weekly reflection on the lessons I learned. These lessons may not be profound, much to the chagrin of my sidditiness, but there is a certain charm in simplicity. Hopefully, in doing this, I can get into the practice of writing again. For nothing else, than simple enjoyment.

  • Lesson 1: Anxiety is a bitch. An old lesson but a true one. It is truly exhausting to be worried all the time. Worried that, in a nutshell, I am not enough with "ample" evidence that my broken, serotonin-lacking, brain misconstrues to prove my point. Worried that due to this inadequacy, I will fail. But I did learn that an "attitude of grattitude" helps. On the days I forced myself to think of 3 things I am grateful for, I felt a real calm in my mind. If only I could remember to do it more often.
  • Lesson 2: I want to be an expert. At this point, I'm not entirely sure if it's for the recognition or for its implication (i.e. I am a learner and, great, at conveying the information I had learned). I know it comes with time, but I wish it could happen now. Which brings me to my next point:
  • Whenever I read a book, watch a film/series, I want to know what happens in the end. Lesson 3: I wish I could do that in my life; skip to the end and  know it will all work out for the protagonist (for we are all the protagonists of our own stories). Be able to weather the current instability and uncertainty of my life, a life which does not match where I thought it would be. To know that as soon as I figure out this "level" or learn the lessons I am supposed to, I get to move on. Yell "Jumanji" and get the fuck out of here. Unfortunately, I can't do that. And I am left with the reality that things could always be worse, and it is my responsibility to make sure they don't get that way. 
  • I feel alone. Though it may not be true, it feels that way. I feel as if I am living life alone. Though I have friends in my life, I feel as if I cannot rely upon them through no fault of their own, but my own. I am the kind of person who, when invited for lunch, comes with my own food in the event they cancel or to eat beforehand, to mitigate how much I eat at their expense. Lesson 4: I am afraid to ask for help, because when I do, people will see how bad it is and that perception will stick with them. It'll change the way they treat me. In a world where perception is social currency, I can't afford to lose the very little social currency I have. 

In summation, I am a mess. A mess I made, and a mess I must clean up. 

Hopefully, the upcoming week will be better *insert the "doubt" meme*

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