Line Etiquette and Other Things...

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We're all aware of line etiquette, right? The idea is that, while waiting in line, there are certain unspoken rules that we all follow. Chief among them? 

NO CUTSIES! 

While there are exceptions to this rule (like pregnant women, the elderly and children), it’s pretty constant. No cutting in line. Turns out there’s another exception to this rule, as I learned at my cousin's ruracio. Men get to skip the line. Multiple times, men were ferried to be front of the line by an usher. It happened to me, at least, TWICE. 


First of all... huh?


Why was this happening? Yes, Kikuyu culture is patriarchal. But why should this mean that men get to eat first? Especially at a cultural rite of passage that, in my opinion, focuses more on the bride than on the groom. Although ruracios celebrate both the bride and groom, they are held at the bride’s house to negotiate dowry and terms of payment. This event is the first step a family takes in facilitating their daughter’s marriage and embracing the new person she has deemed worthy of joining her family. So why are the men being served first? Why does this make sense, within the context of the event itself? 


At this point, you could argue that allowing men to be served first reinforces our culture writ large. It clearly demarcates social hierarchies and models gender dynamics that are perpetuated in personal relationships. Except, I’m not entirely sure if this is true. This argument presumes a lot of things like the pre-colonial ideas about women, men and their roles. As well as the extent to which colonialism changed these dynamics. And while I understand the impulse to roll your eyes at the mention of colonialism's destabilizing impact on culture, I won’t stop pointing it out. Colonialism changed us in ways we are just beginning to catalogue and understand. Therefore the questions become; (1) what was; (2) how did it change and; (3) what is it now.


The little I know about Kikuyu culture suggests that men were treated similarly. But I could never find a reason for this preferential treatment, other than the “si, they’re men.” As if the reason were self-evident. And this is the problem I want to confront. And no, I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill.


Much of our discriminatory behaviour is learned. We have to be taught these things because they are not self-evident. And it always starts with something small. Something so insignificant that even talking about it seems like the literary equivalent of throwing a hissy fit. Perhaps it's the chores you assign your son and daughter; garden work for him, housework for her? Or how you respond to someone's tears. Or allowing men to eat first.


So when you allow men to be served first, you risk reinforcing imbalanced gender dynamics that make life miserable for everyone. You allow people to expect to be treated first, or better than others. You teach children that this is the kind of behaviour they ought to model in their relationships. 


In light of all this, did I raise a stink? No. 


No, I did not.


That’s the funny thing about culture. Even though you recognize some of its harmful practices, doing something about it requires you to risk your community. Risk being the weird one. Ule mtu anajiskia. The white one. You risk isolating yourself and being alienated in return. Questioning your culture, or any deeply held beliefs, publicly is also incredibly destabilizing. The more questions you ask, the more you risk unravelling the very core of your faith. The more you risk being left with nothing; facing the arduous task of rebuilding without the blueprint that belief provided.


So yeah, I chickened out. I DID give my male cousins grief about benefiting from this particular manifestation of male privilege. But this won’t change anything. It won’t get us to have the inter-generational conversations we need to have. 


Assuming this is something we care about solving. And no...I don’t mean the line serving thing; although please don't cut in line. Don't be that guy...


I mean... how men and women interact and engage in our culture and the consequences of this relationship. 

Also made it by the skin of my teeth (36 min to midnight)

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