Some of Us Can't "Imagine", John Lennon

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I can't remember what it feels like to imagine. I am not sure I have ever had an imaginary friend, nor have I ever attempted to picture or dream something (or someone) outside the realm of what actually exists (put simply, whatever I can imagine now generally obeys the laws of nature). I don't know when that happened, but I am sure that I struggle with imagination. Now, this is not to say that I have aphantasia, the inability to conjure up a mental image, because I can, when asked, basically picture an orange or a rainbow. Remember, my imagination obeys the rules of nature, so I have  But rather that, I struggle with the more creative, aspirational or abstract elements of the imaginative practice.

I think I struggle with it because I lack faith in my own visions. In a "Tinkerbell-ian" sense - i.e. I do not believe and, therefore, I cannot fly. At some point, I adopted a mindset inclined to value what I could assert what was real to others, not what could be real for me. Perhaps, this is why I don't struggle with empathy - because empathy is an, inherently, imaginative exercise. You are, in the very least, asking yourself to imagine yourself in a real situation that happened to other people. *shrug* Still, this emphasis turns my imagination against me and, into a tool for others to use. As a result, I could never picture an animal hybrid without seeing it first (i.e. without it, first, becoming real to others), I never could picture scenes as people described them in books (but oddly enough, I did know when something fell short of, or felt off about, this description), and ... I struggle with goal setting. I've always seen goal-setting as something aspirational; you reflect on where your life is now, where you'd like it to be in the future and devise a strategy to realise the future. But remember what I said about only being able to "assert what was real to others", my goals were never really my own. They belonged to other people; I merely personalised them. For example, although I love music and singing, it was not real (i.e. not of value) to the people around me, the people I looked up to, so it never featured once as a goal. And while I could think of myself performing, I could never imagine it.

Therefore, it was never a goal I acknowledged. My goals were more what my parents or friends suggested I should do. While it can be argued that the fact that I chose those goals must mean that I can imagine them, I would argue that this is a deliberate mischaracterisation of my current situation. By way of analogy, the fact that I choose those goals is not like picking something to wear based on the items in your wardrobe, but more like picking something to wear based out of 4 options, someone else picked for you.

Right now, I don't really know how to imagine for myself and how to have enough faith to imagine. But I will be back if, or when, I ever figure it out. 

Psssssstt....down here.

I really do wish I had another way to end this post, but I don't and I've come to terms with it. The abrupt, and maybe jarring (?), way this ended mirrors the fact that I haven't finished my own musing on this later. I know I want to return to this and see if it still holds true or if I figured out how to imagine. I also want to examine the difference between creativity and imagination.

So, like the Terminator, I will be back :)

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