24: A Reflection

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July 25th
As I write this, I am trying hard not to panic about my day ahead or, failing that, trying not to succumb to the panic and spend all day in bed. I am anxious because I have no plan, nor do I have the balls to do the difficult work of trying to make a plan. This is not to say that I don't know what I want out of life (which is another issue altogether), but rather that I don't know how to get there. A part of me hopes that this is a part of life and that not all who wander are lost, but I am a person that likes knowing what is next. I've always taken the next step, knowing that there is a step to be taken. Now, I can't see the step and I have no idea where I am going. 

I know I want success, but I don't know why I want it for myself because every time I do well in something, I immediately feel like I don't deserve it or like a mistake was made. I know I want to be strong, determined and tenacious. I know I want to be assertive and I know that I need to learn how to be okay with people not liking me. More than all this, I want to get to a point in my life where I am content and, similarly, where I don't cry every day. However, I cannot be sure about any of these things. 

What if I'm to be a cautionary tale? The anecdote about what not to do in life, like those titular characters who "peak" in high school (except, I don't think I have ever peaked before in my life). I think all this because, right now, I am as successful as I will ever be and what do I have to show for it?

I think that may be the question that shapes the next year of my life.

So Happy Birthday to me! 

Don't Fuck It Up


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