The Inbetweeners

July 25th As I write this, I am trying hard not to panic about my day ahead or, failing that, trying not to succumb to the panic and spend all day in bed. I am anxious because I have no plan, nor do I have the balls to do the difficult work of trying to make a plan. This is not to say that I don't know what I want out of life (which is another issue altogether), but rather that I don't know how to get there. A part of me hopes that this is a part of life and that not all who wander are lost, but I am a person that likes knowing what is next. I've always taken the next step, k nowing that there is a step to be taken.  Now, I can't see the step and I have no idea where I am going.  I know I want success, but I don't know why I want it for myself because every time I do well in something, I immediately feel like I don't deserve it or like a mistake was made. I know I want to be strong, determined and tenacious. I know I want to be assertive and I know that I need t...

I can't remember what it feels like to imagine. I am not sure I have ever had an imaginary friend, nor have I ever attempted to picture or dream something (or someone) outside the realm of what actually exists (put simply, whatever I can imagine now generally obeys the laws of nature). I don't know when that happened, but I am sure that I struggle with imagination. Now, this is not to say that I have aphantasia, the inability to conjure up a mental image, because I can, when asked, basically  picture an orange or a rainbow. Remember, my imagination obeys the rules of nature, so I have  But rather that, I struggle with the more creative, aspirational or abstract elements of the imaginative practice. I think I struggle with it because I lack faith in my own visions. In a "Tinkerbell-ian" sense - i.e. I do not believe and, therefore, I cannot fly. At some point, I adopted a mindset inclined to value what I could assert what was real to others, not what could be real for...