I Ran a Marathon (kind of)

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In university, when I made it known that I was Kenyan, I always caveated my identity by saying that I was the "one Kenyan who does not run." Outside of my country's reputation, running never aligned with my spirit or idea of fitness. And, as a result, I used to declare that "I would rather be eaten alive than have to run away from danger." Therefore, the fact that I consistently ran for 76 minutes is a fucking marvel. The fact that I ran for a full 10km is a damn delight. And the fact that I chose to do this, and trained for it ... a fucking testament. For the first time, in a long time, I feel proud of myself. It feels as if I have taken a step in the right direction; a step towards the person I can be. 

And no, I don't mean a runner (although this, and a half marathon, is on the list). I mean a person with the self-confidence to realise her potential. A woman with the courage to try something new and fully submit herself to the humility of being a beginner. 

The truth is that finishing my run isn't responsible for this change in my self-perception. But as I put one foot ahead of the other and I drew closer and closer to the finish line, I realised that I had been taking steps to better myself. But because I wasn't focused on the end, but on each step I took, I didn't realise it. In the last 12 months, I travelled because I wanted to. I started learning my mother tongue because I wanted to. I began meditating, and journalling because I needed to. I reconnected with my family, and found my place among them. I found and built my community, and I'm working up to relying on them. I backed myself and got into a doctoral programme. I was honest with myself about what I wanted in my relationships and allowed this honesty to fuel them. And, most recently, I ran a 10k and will work my way up to a half marathon. 

Little by little, bit by bit, step by step, I am becoming someone I like. Someone I can be proud of. And I never thought this was possible. I had resigned myself to my self-hatred. I had embraced her and coddled her. I had used her to fuel my dreams and actions. I found a way to live with her; giving her a corner in the rubiks cube of my mind. And now I realise I don't have to live this way. 

All because I decided to run 10km.

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