Self Love and Self-Discovery

How do you remedy a lifetime of self-neglect and denial? How do you stop minimising yourself and your accomplishments after decades of the very same? Put simply, how do you back yourself when you never learned how?

I wish it were as simple as finding a new comic book or series to watch. I suppose, in many ways, it is. 

At the very beginning of this journey, you shop around for a series that speaks to your values. You cut yourself some slack and allow yourself the grace of change and adaptation. After you've found what you're looking for, you take time to bask in the glow of your new love as you begin to invest in your relationship. You start to follow pages related to the content on social media, as well as specific stars themselves. You begin to research the origin and evolution of your content. You go about getting stuck in the fandom; joining subreddits and Twitter community spaces. At this point, you experience your first crisis of faith and navigate your way through this belief. All the while reminding yourself that it is okay to move on and walk away. After many cycles of this process (discovery - investment - doubt - discovery), a few series make it into your list of regulars. 

Perhaps learning how to love yourself follows a similar trajectory? 

While the steps may differ from person to person, shouldn't the attitude you have when healing your relationship with yourself be similar to the one you hold when looking for something new to watch? One of intentional discovery, open-minded exploration and grace throughout the process? A perspective that allows you to try and learn from new things as you learn about yourself? 

Sometimes, this attitude helps. When I approach my destructive inner monologue like I would an inner dialogue about the content I consume, I find myself to be more forgiving of mistakes or lapses of judgement. I embrace them as part of the journey, in a way that I simply wouldn't have five years ago. I discovered the value of merely trying something and allowing myself to drop it should it not resonate with my goals. I SET GOALS, which I something I detested. 

Sometimes, it does not help. If you're the kind of person who rarely adjusts her content schedule - kind of like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory - then this attitude may stress you out more than it helps. In fact, it stressed me out when I first began my journey because I don't like change. To me change, even that which may be beneficial, is inherently disruptive and destabilising. While I can weather the storm, my life experiences have taught me to value and prioritise stability. Even if this means maintaining a toxic self-perception and harmful relationship with myself. After all, better the devil you know, right? 

Yet treating parts of my self-care journey like adjusting my content calendar for the year also helped me acknowledge that nothing lasts forever. That we outgrow our favourite shows. And that change can be good. I learned how to acknowledge the things I don't like, rather than allow them to fester like raisins in the sun. I am learning to embrace change. 

Ultimately, I have not remedied the harm I inflicted on myself for years, but I am tending to the wounds.