What is Love, pt 2

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I’ve been journaling, in an attempt to respond to my emotions, not merely react to them, and yesterday something weird happened. As I wrote down my prompt for the week - What do you love most about yourself? - I felt anxiety trickle down my spine. I didn’t understand why seven words could trigger fear and apprehension. But as I began to reflect on the question, my response justified itself. I could not think of a single thing I loved about myself. And in my silence, the question stared back at me in silent condemnation and, perhaps more unnervingly, gentle concern. 

How could I, a 26-year-old, not know what I love most about myself? 

Why could I only cite traits, memories and ambitions that my friends and loved ones loved about me? 

Have I really spent that long shitting on myself, that I survive on external validation? 

Good GOD, what would happen if that validation were to vanish? If I were to live life in a way those around me deemed unworthy, risky or, otherwise, unsuitable? Would my own happiness be enough to keep me buoyant? Would it be enough to keep me alive?

Okay, perhaps I’m being melodramatic. 

Just because I cannot conjure aspects I love most about myself does not mean that I do not love myself at all. Perhaps it means that I do not know I love myself. Or that I do not know how to express that love. And no, this is not self-denial. At least, I don’t think it is… I think I love myself, but I do not know how to express that love. The way I have chosen to express this self-love is through occasional moments of grace, taking care of myself physically and psychologically, treating myself and so on, and so forth. Yet, I cannot think of a single thing I love about myself. Everything that comes to mind are things I know other people like about me. Almost as if, I do not trust my assessment of myself. That my thoughts must be externally validated to earn legitimacy.

I do not trust myself. 

Perhaps that ought to be my goal for the year; to learn how to trust myself. Not only in my success, but in my failures. 

The only question is, how do I learn how to do this?

I think a good first step is learning about myself. 

This takes me back to journaling; giving me another reason why I should continue. 

 

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