Why am I here?

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Hello! 

Guess who's back? ME! I've had a bit of a busy October; filled with emotional highs, nights I, literally, can't remember and depressing lows. There was one day when I experienced all three (which was great). In that time, I wish I could say I gained insight or appreciation into my life; at least not the kind of insight I'm willing to immortalise on the public internet. Nor is it the kind of insight that is particularly new, novel or groundbreaking. 

If anything, what I learned was the value of time and a break is just the space to think and figure things out. Not everyone has the privilege of this break; of knowing that they can afford to reflect, without it impacting their ability to pay bills or their ability to cope with the world. I barely afforded myself this privilege in October because it was forced upon me when I snapped. Even in that state of pure exhaustion, I did not have the time to think. I merely focused on recovering to the point of economic productivity (i.e. processing my emotions without resolving the issue so that I can shove them deep down again, until the next breakdown when they, inevitably, surface like a breached whale). I have never afforded myself the luxury of taking a true break to figure things out. Which means I have never afforded myself the luxury of failure. For to figure things out, you must try and risk failure, rejection and loss. Yes, you also gain fulfilment, purpose and contentment; but the pain of the former trinity is far more memorable, as are memories of pain, than the joy of the latter. 

More importantly, I think the reason I do not enjoy reflecting is that I'm not sure what makes me happy can be met by the labour market. I am aware that not everyone will have the luxury of doing work that they earnestly enjoy. Not everyone will have the kind of job that drives them out of bed each morning. And I've always been okay with being one of those people with a job that may not align with my purpose. Simply because I've never seen a "job" as defining of my character; it is a means through which I can explore new opportunities and pursue my passions outside of the office. This has led to a career that, while upwardly mobile, lacks a certain cohesion that I feel I must always account for and excuse. Thinking about how I ought to reconcile my diverse professional experience and my personal goals of fulfilment and self-exploration makes me incredibly anxious. Simply because I am aware that my audience - mainly Gen X, Boomer Hiring Managers - may not understand my ethos and will quickly delegitimise it; no matter how well I justify myself. Perhaps this was a roundabout way of saying I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with my life. Beyond helping people and consistently learning and engaging with new and innovative ideas. But I don't want to work in academia; despite the summer holidays. At one point I did, but now I don't. Even my pursuit of a PhD is out of a desire to have one. I think it would be cool - it's that simple. 

Perhaps my reluctance to engage in frequent reflection is borne out of a fear that I may not like what I see. Or perhaps, out of the concern that once I have answers, I have no choice but to pursue them. And without answers, I can keep floating around; unbothered by setbacks and free from the monotony of professionalism. But I recognise that this cannot go on forever. At some point, I will need to figure out what I'm doing and why I am doing it. Or, perhaps more accurately, I will need to accept and legitimise my own desires; world be damned. 

I'll keep you posted.

Maybe... 

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