I'm in Love: A Follow Up to My Treatise
Hello!
I'm back and this time, I will attempt to be less melodramatic and more reflective (or in the very least, inject melodrama into my reflections or vice verse).
Clearly, when I, last, wrote about my failures, I was hurting. Truth be told, I've never been rejected from anything before. Like Ariana Grande, "I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it." Not because I was spoiled though. Some of it was sheer dumb luck. Some of it was using my belief that if someone told me why they said no, we could work on the objections together to propel me towards the eventual 'yes'. But, truthfully, most of it was cowardice. I never asked for anything or tried anything that even hinted at failure. As such, I never learned how to believe in myself, never learned to back myself and, relevantly here, never learned how to pick myself back up. A perfect example of this would be my past romantic entanglements; I never, explicitly, showed interest in a potential partner unless I was sure they would reciprocate. While it saved me some heartache, this also robbed me of two things; (1) the aforementioned lessons above and (2); to this day, I never know if I truly like the partner or I liked the acceptance. The result is a frustrating and odd (like taking a sip of coffee only to find out it's warm) familiarity with the uncertainty of my feelings and the fact that they are rooted in a conditional foundation.
Suffice it to say, my love of the word "yes" has robbed me of important life functions which, substantially, impact my capacity to function in the real world. It would be nice to say that now life is forcing me to learn these lessons by handing me rejection after rejection. Much like a child being forced to down fish oil when they're sick and, unfortunately, I have to take it. Unfortunately, I must break up with my first love Like many first loves, it was explosive and defining. It will define my future relationships and nothing can quite shine a candle to them.
Does this mean that I will suddenly become more accepting of rejection? No! That shit hurts! Does it mean I won't cry? No! Again *clap* THAT. *clap* SHIT. *clap* HURTS! But will I see rejection for the role it plays in life? Eventually. Will I stop viewing rejection one-dimensionally, as the bringer of death, and start to view it as part of my come up? Eventually. In order for me to do all this, I need to learn to believe in myself and in order to do that, I must learn to, in the very least, tolerate myself. It's a long road ahead and I am terrified. To be honest, I wish I could just skip to the end of the book (like I do sometimes when I read) to know how it turns out. But life doesn't work that way.
Goodbye, yes.
Hello, rejection
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