Why Am I Afraid of My Difference?

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Before I begin, I'd like to preface this post wit several notices;

  1. My keyboard is slowly dying on me, so certain keys don't work (in particular "g", "h" and the apostrophe symbol. In the editing process, I did try to fix what I could (unsponsored shoutout to GRAMMARLY for being the OG), but if I didn't et them all, please be understanding. Or you could have some fun with it, and pretend you're Maura from Love Island :) 
  2. Second, as you read this, try to be empathetic and understanding. Read it completely, then comment with respect. 
I know its often said that "to err is human", but the more I consider the world, my experiences and my role in the world, I'm starting to realise that "to err is to be different". To think differently, look different, act different, be different. I've spent years being told that being different is good. That some of the best people in the world are so because they are different. Think, RuPaul, Carmelita Torres, AOC, Ilam Omar, Boniface Mwangi, Nicole Cortini, my brother. Yet, I must reconcile those lessons, with what I see before me. People bein targetted at traffic stops, at bars, in school, at the border, in their families, everywhere. You see, each of those wonderful people I have mentioned is different in a way that seems to benefit the world, but also in a way that threatens the people of the world. In a way, the world feels they need to control, cordon off lest it spoils the rest of them. So as a result, I've grown to fear my diversity. My own difference terrifies me. 

It started when I was 8. I was at a sleepover with some friends and I realised, we couldn't share makeup. I realised they couldn't do my hair, but I, somehow, knew how to do theirs. I realised that they ate different foods and seemed to think what I ate was funny and weird. Then again at 10, when I was made fun of because of my accent and called 'alien'. Then again when I was 12 and I cried in public because I miss my dad. Then again, when I was 16 and I realised the best way to get a scholarship would be to play into admissions officers implicit perceptions of Africa. Then again, when I was 18, I realised that I could never slip up, never falter because I had to prove I deserved to be in the UK, that I was smart enough, despite my difference, capable, despite my difference and not just another statistic for the University to wave around to campion their own diversity. When I was 20, I and I started to question if every job I got was because I was a diversity hire, or because I was actually good enough. Then again, all my life when I wis I could pass so that I may be closer to "normal".

You see, I have been trained to be afraid of my difference. I have has been trained to assimilate, to adapt, to always use my double consciousness. This experience isn't unique to me. I saw the same scars of difference in my mum whenever she'd come to visit me whilst I was at University. And I don't know why I am so afraid to be different. Perhaps it's because my difference excludes me and all I want, as a human being, is to belong. Perhaps its because it puts a target on my back. Perhaps it's learned and reinforced over time. Perhaps it's a rational response; after all, fear is a rational response in the face of a perceived threat. So te questions are not "why am I so afraid of being seen for my differences? Being recognised for them? Existing in them?" but rather "if I could be threatened by them" and to be told I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to pass this same fear on to others.

I'll keep you updated.

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