What is Love? (and if somebody mouths "Baby don't hurt me".....)

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I recently got into a relationship with this guy I really like. Logically, I should be head over heals by now because he is the most compatible guy I've been with. Emotionally, that's a different story altogether. So this got me wondering when my heart will catch up to my head - if it ever does. Or, and much more pressingly, when I will stop trying to prevent myself from fully experiencing the relationship.

In order to understand where I come from, let me tell you a little something about myself.

  1. I believe, nay I know that love will get you hurt. I don't want to get hurt.
  2. I compartmentalize my life. I've been doing it since I was 8. My friends rarely interact with my family and vice versa. My relationships can interact with my friends, and even that interaction is controlled and limited, and never with my family.
  3. I don't adjust to things very well.
  4. I'm not big on romantic gestures. I feel like they are great, but they are not for me. They attract too much attention and I'm not used to that.
Okay. Now on to the good/bad stuff. 

Recently, he tried to surprise me with this big gesture of love and instead of being happy, nay ecstatic in response I made a face. Not a good face. A really bad face (mental note I've got to get these faces together. I can hardly be expected to be a good lawyer if my face betrays me every time). I made that face because it would mean that the thought of spending time with him outside of the time I had set aside scared the living shit out of me. I thought being in love meant that you want to spend every moment together. If not every, then at least all the big ones. Things like parties, festivals, birthdays etc. But for me, that would mean allowing the carrots and peas to touch (see point 2 on my little ''get-to-know-me sesh").

Why did the thought of him spending the day with me scare me so much so that I'm still feeling the after shocks of this fear as I type this? I just.... I.

I've heard that being in love makes it all better. Being in love, while rare, is worth the hurt and pain and doubt and misery in those really dark time. I've heard that people in love want to spend all their time together, never truly get angry with one another, want to introduce their chosen mate to their friends and all the platitudes we have been taught since birth. To summarise, I'll use 1 Corinthians 13:4-7; "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour things, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in  truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always preserves". I feel this from him but I feel with this last point, I have been put on the naughty list. I feel like he doesn't know that I do care about it as well.

I honestly don't know what to do. And what hurts me is that this isn't the first time this has happened. And it kills me whenever it happens because I know he sees it too and I know it hurts him as well.

For a novice in the art of love, I need some serious help. To say that I am incapable of love is too extreme. To say that maybe my kind of love is different is also extreme because all kinds of love have similar elements. So where does that leave me? I know this post is more of a diary post than a reflective one but I need this. I needed to actually acknowledge all of this in order for, I'm hoping cathartic purposes. But the fear still lingers. Doubt is still present. And I think I've really hurt him this time.

I can't be the only one with this fucked up of an attitude towards a healthy relationship.
- The Voice Over

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